Off Topic Cookbook
Green Bean Casserole
Kids, its Christmas Eve and if you dont have green bean casserole, then you're doing it wrong! This recipe is unGodly delicious, and since I'm unGodly, I can teach you how to make
it. Even better, I can teach your mom to make it. So go get your mom and tell her you want green bean casserole and it wouldnt feel like Christmas without it. She'll feel guilty and make it for
First off, tell her to go get all this junk.
Start out by having your mom wash and chop the green beans into neat little pieces. Show her this picture and tell her to do it like this.
Tell your mom put a pot of water on to boil, and begin frying up some bacon. I only used 5 pieces of bacon, but your mom could use a lot more...up to 10 or so, I guess. Just tell
your mom to pour off some of the grease if she uses more than 5.
Dont let your mom rest! Keep her working! Have her chop up some garlic and onion. Not too much, just enough. When the bacon is done, have your mom set it aside on some paper towels.
Tell your mom to throw the garlic and onions in the hot bacon grease and fry them up for a couple minutes. Turn the heat down. Tell her to be careful she doesnt burn herself.
Instruct your mother to add mushrooms to the onions and garlic and saute them for a few minutes. Just a few mushrooms, not the whole package. Give your mom a hug, but make sure she keeps stirring.
Show good ol mom how to open the can of mushroom soup and have her pour it in the pot. Have her mix that all up and let it get warm. Wish your mom a Merry Christmas.
Give your mom a knife and tell her to get to choppin on that bacon. When she's done, tell her to throw it in the pot. Remind her of that time she was late to pick you up and you had to wait an hour in the rain.
You gotta stay on top of your mom and make sure she keeps stirring. Dont let her take a bathroom break or anything like that. Be careful, she can be tricky and she'll try to fool you. Show her where you keep the soy sauce and have her put a little in the pot. Dont let her get too crazy with it. Just a little bit. Tell your mom you love her.
Have your mom drain the green beans she boiled. What? She forgot to boil the green beans? No wai. You suck as a supervisor. When the green beans are boiled and drained, make your mom pour them in the pot with the other junk.
Give your mom a wooden spoon or something and have her stir that all up good.
Give your mom the french fried onions and tell her to pour half the can in the pot and mix it all up good.
Have your mom pour all that slop in a casserole dish and stick it in the oven, COVERED, on 400° for about 40-45 minutes. Sit down and talk with your mom. She never gets to talk to you anymore and she misses you.
Holy crap, its bubbling. Is it supposed to do that? I cant remember. Anyways, if you arent on the way to the hospital to have your mom's hands treated for burns...
...show her how to sprinkle the rest of the french fried onions around the edges of the casserole. If she asks why just around the outside edges, tell her that information is classified.
If she hasnt eaten it all by now, have you mom sprinkle a layer of cheese over the casserole. Have her put that back in the oven, UNCOVERED, for 10 more minutes. Compliment her hair.
When it's done, keep it all for yourself and dont give your mom any.